Mr. Jones


Since Mr, Jones, the self-proclaimed “guardian angel of the newspaper,” won’t stoop to the level of writing about himself, we decided to write about him instead. Since once of us has been writing down quotes all year, we’ll begin telling you about Mr. Jones…. in his own words. Indirectly.

The Andrew Jones Top 20

20. “All I wanted was, just, a sword.”

19. “I’ll say a couple words of wisdom… or I’ll mumble something…”

18. “Because, sometimes, I feel like I should be in a Dickens novel, and it scares me.”

17. “And I’m not going to, like, friend you on Facebook and be like, ‘OMG guys, here’s Canterbury Tales! LOL!’ NO! …Man, I could be browsing Facebook this entire class period.. I need to re-think my priorities.”

16. “You know, I’m just gonna sell all of my possessions and buy an iPhone 4… so I can have a playful banter with it when I get bored.”

15.  “I’ll give you the shirt off my back and the cardboard box I live in because I LOVE JESUS!”

14. “If I ever go missing, go cry for me. Because either some government has captured me and is trying to get state secrets outa me, or I’m sick…. Remember the swine flu? Yeah, I got that. It sucks to be me sometimes….. But, knowing me, I would just chug a bunch of ibuprofen and come in with, like, a 102 temperature.”

13. “What am I, some cruel tyrant? Verbally-abusive teacher?… My toad is calling me… ANON!”

12. “And he just traveled across the universe, over the rainbow, and with a unicorn. No, actually, don’t believe anything I say when I mention rainbows and  unicorns.”

11. “Yeah, I have Bad Saturdays. I wear a hoody and my bling and baggy clothes and drive around with my .45, disobeying laws.. and sometimes I get caught. ”

10. “You guys should just sit here and play Scrabble while I read this book, because I am just so into it! …Yeah, and we’ll listen to Sonny and Cher and watch The Office every class period.”

9. “No, In fact, I am the equivilant of Edward Cullen as far as strength goes.You hit me with your car and i just go *smash* but don’t try it ’cause I’ll get mad and give you lots of homework… Yes, I can read your mind, and no, I am not ashamed of it!”

8. “This is so depressing right now. I feel so emo. Does anyone have any eyeliner I can put on?

7. “I must be so much more of a somber person when I haven’t had my coffee. Oh wait, I did have coffee. I must just be in a bad mood. So don’t make me get mad at you. No, I wouldn’t get mad at you. Unless you were Tim. Haha, you all’re like,  ‘Is he serious? Is he not?'”

6. “I like to make things up about the end of the world. I’m gonna do that now.”

5. “I keep waiting for someone to die in my life or for something to burn down or for a limb to be cut off… being an author sucks! …I keep trying to have a bad life so I can be a good author..”

4.  “In another life, I would have been a rapper… Actually, I’m really good at it. So my friends say. But you’d have to get me on a really bad night.”

3.. “I’m Welsh. I’m related to Christian Bale.”

2. “I’m an old-soul. I’m a booky sort of person who likes good strolls in the countryside.”

1. “I love five or six things in life. A lot. I love Jesus. I love my wife. (The Bible, but that’s with Jesus, ’cause He wrote it.) I love cookie dough, like, outa my mind. I love Tolkien, a lot…. I also love fall. If summer was fall, I’d be an old man now, with gray hair, and I’d talk like this and being a cane in and whip you with it… but I really love–these things.”

Meaning, binder clips. That day, he had one on his sock. “Buy yourself a case of these, and you will find happiness.”

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